


Please come back to me

by Lenchisus



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But no one dies, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, WAP (Whole Angsty Plot), consistent timeline whats that?, kara is only taking a vacation tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:29:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenchisus/pseuds/Lenchisus
Summary: Lena confronts Kara about knowing her secret identity. At home, Kara reevaluates her life and wonders if her existence is really necessary in the world.
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 74
Kudos: 342





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [Por favor vuelve a mi](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29070528) by [Lenchisus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lenchisus/pseuds/Lenchisus)



> This may contain hints of suicide intentions, nothing explicit but still, careful if it triggers any of you. I love you, you're fckin awesome, stay safe.
> 
> Any form of criticism is appreciated.

"I– i thought that… Maybe we can–" Kara's voice was hoarse. She sighed, she knew perfectly well that arguing with Lena now wouldn't make a difference, so she just stayed silent. She couldn't even look at Lena's eyes. Defeated, with her head down and shoulders slumped, she turned around, her steps heavy as she headed towards the balcony window. "I'm so sorry…" she said, before flying off into the night.

Lena, on the other side, was on the verge of crying. But those weren't tears of sadness. She felt betrayed. Those were tears of rage. Rage at herself for being so trusting, for letting herself be fooled. Rage because her love was based on lies. Because Kara, Supergirl, pretended to be her friend so she could keep an eye on her. Of course, a Luthor was just a bomb waiting to explode, right?. It didn't matter what Kara said. It didn't matter that she had given an explanation and an apology. It was all fake before Lena's eyes.

Kara tried, telling her the truth, explaining why she did what she did, why she kept her in the dark, but to no matter, Lena wouldn't listen. Lena had been pretty clear when she told her to fuck off and to never talk to her again, that to her Kara didn't exist anymore. 

"You fooled me, you betrayed my trust! I trusted you and all you did was laugh in my face!" Lena said as soon as Kara entered the penthouse that night. They had agreed to eat dinner at Lena's place, but Lena couldn't hold the pain in her chest anymore. The need to confront Kara had become so strong that she could only wait until she closed the door behind her to let all of her feelings free.

"You're dead to me… Don't bother to come back. I don't want to see you, i don't want to hear from you... Just, disappear from my life!" Lena had said before Kara flew off, not knowing the sting in Kara's heart at hearing that nor the damage she'd just done. 

Kara had concealed her own tears, at least until she was in the solitude and protection of her apartment, where she openly sobbed. She clutched her chest, where her aching heart was just as painful as kryptonite in that moment. She couldn't breath, everything was spinning, and oh the pain was unbearable. 

She laid on her side. The wooden floor was cold against her tear-stained cheek. 

_"You're dead to me…"_

Those words were repeating in her head, and every time they'd stab her heart with the same force. She had hurt Lena, she knew, but never expected it to be this bad. 

She had tried to explain... She had tried. But to no avail. 

While bearing with the pain, Kara remembered every time she'd saved Lena. Every time she'd chosen her over her duty. Every time she defended her and stood up to her friends for her. Every time she had put Lena above everything else. It made Kara wonder, what would've happened if she told her sooner?

She also remembered the warm smiles, the welcoming hugs, the late night walks, the kisses on the cheek. The occasional bump of hands when walking, their snuggles in the couch. The secrets they shared in the dark, the moments framed in photos. The great team they were in game nights. The drowsy look on Lena's face when she woke up after a sleepover, so soft, so happy, that took Kara all of her willpower not to kiss her right there and then, because friends don't kiss.

It took Kara some time to figure out that she loved Lena, with all her heart and soul, with every fiber of her being. It took her time to realize that her feelings were not platonic, and couldn't compare to anything she'd felt before for anyone.

Kara would tell herself that all she wanted was to protect Lena. And it was true, but that wasn't all.

She was selfish. 

She could be just Kara with Lena, and there was no need for her to be the powerful superhero to impress her. The silly jokes and comfy outfits were enough for Lena to like her, and that made Kara appreciate the simplicity of their friendship.

Kara didn't know what Lena saw in her, a junior reporter and clumsy woman, but whatever it was, she was grateful.

But even with all of her efforts, she had hurt Lena. She had caused pain to the love of her life even though she swore to herself that she'd protect her, with her own life if necessary.

But the more she thought of it, the more sense it made. Lena was right. All she did was cause pain to her loved ones. Either by hiding her identity or by telling them. Always putting them at risk.

Supergirl was a symbol of protection, truth and hope, but Kara had hurt and lied to Lena. And now she had lost her hopes that everything would be back to normal and that she'd see Lena smiling at her again.

Maybe it was true that Kara Danvers was a mistake. Or… or was Kara Zor-el the mistake all along? 

Maybe her pod should have stayed in the phantom zone forever. Perhaps if she had never landed in earth to begin with, Jeremiah would still be alive and Alex would be happy with her whole family. Maybe if she'd never landed, Lex would have to worry only about one kryptonian and wouldn't murder so many people. Both Kara and Supergirl just caused pain.

If she had just stayed to die with her planet and her mother instead of letting her sent her away… everything would be different. Everyone would be happy.

She was a mistake, and she could see it now. She knew what she had to do.

Laying there in the cold apartment floor, Kara made a decision. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bby is hurting, I'm sorry. 
> 
> Also, this isn't proofread so if you find any mistakes let me know plz

Lena saw Kara's figure disappear into the darkness. She felt better now that she'd let the words out. That's all she had to do, let the sea of overflowing emotions out. She sat on her impossibly white couch, with a glass of scotch in her hand, and stared at the floor. The stinging in her eyes had calmed down a bit, with only a single tear managing to escape and roll down her cheek. The only thought in her mind the moment Kara crossed the door had been to make her feel the the same pain of betrayal and hurt she felt.

She took deep breaths and closed her eyes, just like she did whenever something became to much to put in her little boxes. She stayed like that until her mind cleared enough to comprehend what she'd done. She yelled at Kara, but not only that, she had crushed her with every word. The look on her face when Lena revealed the truth, the way she begged for her to stop, almost as if it physically hurt her. How she struggled and stuttered and tried to explain, with unshed tears in her eyes, before Lena cut her out.

She had learned about Kara's superhero persona about a week ago. In all that time, she had waited, or more like... hoped, that Kara herself would come and tell her who she was. Praying to the gods she didn't believe in that Kara were finally honest with her. Lena would have preferred that, a million times, instead of learning thanks to Lex like she did.

But Kara never came. She never told her or tried to explain until she was caught in the spotlight. It made it clear that she didn't trust her, that she was only using her. That she didn't actually cared for her like she made Lena believe since the beginning.

With every joke, every hug, every smile, Kara made her feel safe... Happy.

But now, Lena knew it'd been all a lie. A vile and despicable lie.

And the worst part, Lena had fallen in love with it... She loved the way Kara would snuggle with her and softly caress her cheek in their improvised sleepovers. She loved how she always made them share her own scarf when days got cold. She loved the cute way her eyes would sparkle through the glasses and the soft smile she wore whenever she saw her come by at CatCo. She loved the way she stuttered whenever she got nervous and how she went rambling whenever she got excited.

Yes, Lena loved her... With all her heart, with all her soul, with every cell in her body. 

Lena unfortunately loved her. She loved the woman who was only but a fake facade to cover the real monster, and she hated herself for it.

How could she'd been so foolish? Something that good... It was obvious it was fake. Nothing but a fucking lie to keep her on a leash.

Lena screamed with rage, desperation and a broken heart, suddenly standing and throwing the glass in her hand with such force it crashed and shattered into the wall, leaving some of the liquor dripping and staining the white paint. Her breathing was ragged, her head hurt and the pressure she felt in her chest only got worse, but she didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore, really. She was tired, but she didn't want to sleep, she couldn't have even if she tried, so she would do what any other healthy and sane person would do in a situation like this, drown herself in alcohol until her memories were fuzzy and her brain couldn't remember why it was upset in the first place. 

She wanted, no, _needed_ to forget, even if only for a moment. 

Dragging her feet, she heavily walked to the cupboards in her kitchen and pulled out a brand new bottle of the strongest liquor she owned, then walked to the isle in her kitchen, struggling for a moment to open the bottle. She knew that the coming hangover would be one of a kind, but honestly, what's a little hangover compared to the pain of a crushed heart?

"This one goes to you, Kara. May our _friendship_ last forever..." She said sarcastically, before taking a swing straight from the bottle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't you follow baby's example, don't drink like that please, baby is protected by plot magic but you can get seriously injured if you try


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got busy yesterday and couldn't write until now. I didn't know i had a cousin until yesterday! can u believe it?  
> I came up with this like an hour ago, so um yeah, sorry that it's short

Kara was half laying against Alex's couch armrest. She went to visit her early in the morning the day after the _discussion_ with Lena. Being a superpowered alien changed nothing when it came to confront feelings, and Alex was always ready to be there for her little sister, so as soon as Kara showed up in her door, pale, with puffed eyes and looking like she'd just kicked a puppy, Alex went straight to get them comfort food and fluffy warm blankets.

Kara was grateful, she was glad to end up with the Danvers and have such a great sister that cared for her. She tried as hard as she could not to let her pain be so obvious in front of her sister, but she knew she couldn't fool Alex, they were raised together after all. They were inseparable, of course she would know something was wrong. But Kara couldn't bring herself to tell Alex what exactly happened when she asked, instead choosing to keep most of it to herself, only giving vague explanations to her sister insistence.

Kara did let Alex know something had happened with Lena and that she was sad because of it, but nothing else. She didn't want to make her worry more than necessary or risk Alex getting mad at Lena.

Kara sighed and moved her legs to make a space big enough for Alex to sit. Alex handed her a steaming cup of tea, wich Kara took after putting the half eaten carton of rocky road ice cream (that was slowly melting) aside.

Alex still wanted to know what happened, but didn't want to push it. Instead, she decided she would be the support her sister needed, and would be patient and wait for Kara to feel ready to talk. Kara knew that, she knew Alex was giving her space while still being by her side, and it made her realize just how much Alex loved her. She felt a pang of guilt, knowing that what she was about to do would definitely hurt her. 'It will be for the better.' Kara repeated to herself every time.

"You know i love you, right?" Kara asked, sitting properly and taking a sip of the tea. "I wouldn't be here and be the person i am today without you. Everyday i thank Rao for having you and Eliza with me." She smirked. "Even if it meant fighting for the bathroom most of our teenage years."

Alex giggled at that. "Well excuse me for being an excellent sister." She put an arm around Kara's shoulders. "Of course i know, Kara. And i love you too." Her smile faltered, She looked at Kara's eyes, concern visible all over her face. "But why are you telling me this? Is everything okay?"

Kara smiled as wide and bright as she could, and tried to reassure Alex, or at least try not to make her suspicious. "Yeah, Al, everything's fine. I think i'm just a little bit sentimental, don't worry about it." Alex looked like she didn't buy it, but didn't say anything.

Kara left Alex apartment not long after that. She still had to go to work, so she went back to her apartment to quickly get ready and then stopped by Noonan's to get a coffee before she strode, with determination in her step, towards CatCo.

But she couldn't stop thinking about Lena.

Lena had made it very clear that she didn't want anything to do with Kara. That to her, she was dead... So that's what she'd do. Not die, of course, Alex and Eliza would be devastated if she did. No. Instead, she would follow Lena's wishes and just… disappear. She would make sure to become invisible, to go so far away that no one could find her, not even Kal.

Kara's heart felt heavy, knowing the pain she would cause to her loved ones, especially to her family, and a part of her, deep inside, wanted to stop and try to fix things one more time, but it was too late to do anything.

Maybe she could take it as a chance to be a normal human? It could be a fresh start for her. Or she could just take a ship and simply go to another planet. Maybe go back to Argo? No, that wouldn't do, Kal would make her return to earth in a second. In any case, she'd have time alone to think and clear her head. Perhaps with enough time she'd be able to forget the love she so fiercely felt for Lena and hopefully she would stop seeing her beautiful face in her dreams... Ha! As if! Kara knew very well that it would be impossible to forget Lena. Her name was burned into her heart forever. Her captivating green eyes, the sweet melodic voice she possessed, her beautifully sculpted face, her immeasurable kindness, her willingness to always help, that brilliant mind of hers, all of that, everything of her was so present in Kara's mind that it ached. No one could ever compare to her. Kara's soul knew Lena was the love of her life.

But still, Kara would force herself to get over it. She'd learn to ignore the pain of her broken heart. She would go and vanish, disappear of the face of the earth...

But before any of that, there were things she still had to do. Kara had a plan: She would wait two days, only to spend time with her friends and family and to destroy all evidence of her existence, anything linked to her. If she was doing this, she would make sure it'd be perfect.

The first part was quite simple. Kara was going to quit CatCo, and make sure no trace of her remained. It was a shame though, she really loved the place, the memories and friends she made there, but she loved Lena even more.

So there she was, walking through the bullpen, barely paying attention or returning the greetings of her co-workers, going instead directly to her boss's office. There, in the large white desk, busy doing paperwork and cursing under her breath, sat Andrea Rojas.

Andrea was so focused on her papers that she didn't acknowledge Kara until she called her. She didn't look surprised to see her, since Kara was always standing up to her, and didn't make any comment.

Kara took a deep breath. "I just came here to let you know that i quit."

Andrea looked at her, unblinking. "You know what the consequences are, Ms. Danvers. If you leave this place you won't be able to report again. Ever."

"I know."

"If this is your way of rebelling, i assure you, it's not working."

"I'm not rebelling, Andrea," Andrea looked taken aback by Kara using her first name. "I'm just tired. I have made my decision. I quit and i don't care anymore. I just came here to leave my resignation letter."

Andrea was perplexed, to say the least. Kara had proven herself to be a great reporter. One of the best in the whole building, she might add. And her conviction to always seek the truth, her defiance by standing up to her was admirable, and even if they didn't always see eye to eye Kara had never gone so far as to actually dare to quit. So yeah, Andrea was surprised. A part of her wanted to take back her threat, but something inside her told her that the issue was beyond that.

"I see. If that's the case, then you can clear your desk. Expect your paycheck by the end of the week, you can retrieve your papers from the HR office. And Kara... It was... nice working with you."

Kara nodded and turned around. There wasn't much else to say to Andrea. They were never friends, their relationship wasn't anything but that of a boss and employee. She quickly finished packing up her stuff and as soon as she got out of the building she dropped the whole cardboard box and all it's contents into the nearest trash can.

But Kara wasn't done yet. She still had work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bby Kara is sad, and now i want an ice cream too. 
> 
> Alex will have a chapter of her own but not yet.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Jem4ever and ShezNek for giving me a lot of support and cool and interesting ideas to continue this story. You guys are awesome, and you are the best, ily sm <3

The next day after confronting Kara– well, more like  _ Supergirl _ , Lena woke up late with a tremendous hangover. She was right, she knew that drinking her problems away would come to this in the end, but you have to give her credit, she took it like a champ. She had learned how to deal with hangovers of this magnitude by now, so she always made sure to have pills and a bottle of water at hand’s reach. She had a multibillion dollar company to run and a bad night and a headache would not stop her. 

Lena sat on the bed, hating every second, her head pounding made it impossible to focus… She stood up only to sit again as everything around her just wouldn’t stop spinning. She took a few moments before grabbing the water and medicine she always kept in her bedside table. 

‘This will be a long day…’ she thought while drinking the entire bottle. Her mouth was dry and all she wanted was to sleep again, but she had already slept in and was late for work. Not even the CEO was safe from having to be on time. She checked her phone, it had many missed calls and texts from Jess, asking if she was okay and telling her she had moved her meetings for the next day. Jess was doing her best to keep everything under control and it showed, Lena thought she deserved a raise, but she’d arrange that later, with a clearer head and less nausea….

Wait… nausea!

She ran to the bathroom, feeling sick all of a sudden, regretting drinking that much last night as she barely made it to the toilet and threw up. It was for the best, as she didn’t even remember why she had done it, and forgetting was almost always the reason why she drowned herself in alcohol. Sure, she had a problem with her coping mechanism, but you wouldn’t dare tell her that to her face. 

As she could, she got up to the task of getting ready for work, before grabbing a snack from the always full, massive fridge, perks of being a millionaire, and she ventured into the late morning. She spent the entire ride to L-Corp with her designer shades on, as she couldn’t withstand the sunlight at the moment, and hating the happy people she saw through the window, wondering how in hell were they so happy at this time in the morning.

As she finally got to the building, she apologized to Jess for worrying her unnecessarily and they went through the schedule of the day. With a tired sigh, she sat at her desk, where the memories of last night came to her at their fullest. How she yelled at Kara, how awful she felt thanks to the betrayal, and the reason why she chose to drank herself to sleep, everything making of her horrible mood an even worse one. She decided to bury herself with work, not that she was avoiding her problems… perhaps yes, but she wouldn’t admit it, and went through most of the day without problems, except an inconvenience with a member of the board that was quickly and efficiently solved. 

Lunchtime arrived, and Lena wouldn’t have noticed if it weren’t for Jess, who was confused by the lack of the best friend carrying enormous amounts of food, which she always doubted they’d be able to finish but Kara didn’t fail in proving her wrong by coming out of the office empty handed. Jess had grown fond of Kara with time, and was genuinely curious as to why the sun personified hadn’t danced her way in that day, but as she went to ask Lena, she was met with a grim face before she even could question anything and instead she opted for asking if her boss wanted her to order something, to which Lena answered with a dry no. Lena didn’t have mind to think about food at the moment. She felt a bit bad about telling Jess off so harshly, but Jess didn’t know what Lena was going through. She also didn’t know that Lena had forgot to turn off several alarms on her phone, those she had set to announce know it was almost time for Kara to arrive, so she always had everything in order when Kara came in. Jess didn’t know that a few seconds before she opened the door one of the alarms went off, painfully reminding Lena of her situation. Lena sighed, she really had been lucky to have landed such a great assistant, and then remembered about the raise she planned on giving her, so she started arranging everything. Maybe she could even throw a basket with gifts in there too.

She outdid herself and spent every minute, every second, on doing something, anything to avoid thinking about…her… and she had been doing a great job so far, until past afternoon, when her phone buzzed, the screen showing a new message. It was from Alex, asking her if everything was okay, because Kara was sad but wouldn’t tell her why.

Lena grimaced when she saw the text. How would she respond to Alex? She said Kara didn’t tell her what happened, but why didn’t she? She knew Alex would protect her sister with teeth and nails if she had to but– wait… Alex was Kara’s sister… Alex was  _ Supergirl’s _ sister! Lena hadn’t think of it until that moment, but Alex– she knew. Alex knew since the beginning that Kara was an alien, and if she knew then that meant they both had shamelessly lied to her. How could she been so foolish? How is it that she didn’t connect the dots until now? How did she missed the signs? Alex would appear concerned and worried every time Supergirl got injured, the same Alex who didn’t care for anyone but her family. And Alex always would cover for Kara with lame excuses as to why she suddenly disappeared. Or Alex would always– Damn, it was so fucking obvious! How in nine hells had she missed it? She was supposed to be a genius, then why hadn’t she figured it out before! And if Alex, someone she had gotten to consider a good friend, had lied to her too, what was the chance that the other  _ ‘friends’ _ she’d met through Kara weren’t also lying to her?

Lena felt rage bubbling inside her. She had made a mistake by trusting Kara. She had made a mistake by opening again to someone at all. And now, she was paying the consequences.

In a fit of anger Lena threw the phone away. It smashed against the wall, but being of her own design and creation of course it would be of great quality and barely got a scratch with the impact. Damn it. Lena was pissed at her past self who decided to make a tough use phone with the best of materials. She thought of just letting the phone there, forgotten, but the insistent buzzing made her stand and turn it off without even reading the rest of the text Alex desperately sent her.

Lena took a moment to calm herself. She decided that it was a good day to stay in the office and see that everything ran smoothly, maybe even do some progress on her latest project. Yes, that would do. She called Jess and asked her to order a lot of coffee and after that she could leave for the day. Jess was surprised but didn’t argue, it was her job after all.

It was well into the night when she ran out of coffee. She might be a world saving genius but she always forgot to install a coffee maker in her secret laboratory beneath L-Corp. 

Lena looked at the digital clock in the wall; it marked 4:16am. She hadn’t even noticed the time flying, but now she felt sleepy, oh, and also tired. Although, tired is an understatement. The high heels she wore were killing her. She felt both physical and emotionally exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to forget, but she had done that already and it only had left her with a pounding headache and hatred for humanity. She thought for a second, what if she made a device to make her forget those painful memories? Something to wipe from her mind those deep blue eyes that made her heart ache just at the mere thought of them. But no, she discarded the idea as soon as it came. It was a mistake, sure, her love for Kara, and daring to maintain a friendship with someone again, but mistakes were what made her stronger and she would learn from them. She always did.

But for now, even looking at the computer screen made her head spin. She had been distracting herself all day, going up and down without eating anything more than the thing in the morning, she couldn’t even recall what it was, and now her body was complaining. Lena decided it was a good time for a break when her stomach started grumbling. She wouldn’t leave the building, the mere idea of going to her penthouse made her sick, but she was going to get something to eat at least. Lena had enough with the carefully designed heels and took them off roughly. Fuck it, it was her building, maintained with her money, it was her property, she could waltz around naked if she wanted to, so walking barefooted was nothing. She went up the elevator, to her office, and opened the hidden door of the frigobar, where she kept snacks and drinks for emergencies or late night stays. The little fridge was full of course, Lena made sure to fill it regularly, but the things that it contained had been there for a while now. It made Lena sad to know that Kara was the reason. With Kara making sure she didn’t stay late as often as she used to, there was no need to use it or refill it at all. 

“It was all a lie…” she whispered, reminding herself. Saying it out loud helped it to stick. 

Lena rummaged through the stuff inside the frigobar, discarding everything expired. She grabbed a package of m&m’s but threw it away as soon as she realized what it was; those chocolates were Kara’s favorite. She hated herself for remembering such a small detail about Kara, one that had slipped into a conversation they’d had a long time ago and that had impulsed Lena to have the candies around for Kara. At the end, she settled for one of the granola bars.

Lena slumped in the couch, giving small bites to the granola bar, and asked herself what she had done to end up like this. The Luthors were awful people, sure, even herself had her slips, but she never wanted to be a bad person, she was good, so why did all the tragedies and back stabbings happened to her? She wondered if she was meant to be alone forever. She wondered if fate was using her just for the sake of a good laugh, giving her hopes and then shattering the illusion. 

There, munching on a granola bar in the middle of the early morning, alone in the whole building, and most certainly alone in the world, Lena Luthor felt miserable

Lena’s eyes caught movement in the balcony, but by the time she actually focused her sore sight beyond the reinforced glass, whatever was there it was gone. She stood up and hesitantly walked towards the closed glass door. She felt a sting in her heart. Was she really expecting Kara to show? Was she  _ hoping _ for Kara to show? Silently begging to see a silver of a red cape in the sky? No, she wasn’t. She shouldn’t. She hated her, with all her soul, with every cell of her being– except, she was lying to herself. Ironic, how she hated lies more than anything, and yet the only person who she could count on, herself, was also full of lies. 

Lena couldn’t stand it, not anymore.

“It was all a lie!” Lena shouted at the empty room, her voice cracking. Too late she realized she was crying. Hot tears were freely rolling down her now pink cheeks, and no matter how much Lena wiped them off, new tears would replace them. Her legs wavered and couldn’t support her anymore. She fell on her knees, her sobs loudly begging to be pacified only by the arms of her one true love.

She didn’t notice the lone, slumped figure in the air watching her from the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got time to write!
> 
> That last line sounded better in my head but oh well. 
> 
> At least i tried to make it a bit longer, but i don't know if i've succeeded.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alex chapter is finally here! :)

Alex was worried for her sister. 

In fact, she had been worried since Kara appeared at her doorstep looking for a safe place. Alex had done everything in her power to comfort her, but even with her best efforts she didn’t succeed in cheering her little sister up, and she felt a bit disappointed with herself. 

Learning, thanks to vague answers, that the main reason of Kara’s sadness was Lena Luthor had left her with a bitter taste in her mouth; she had grown fond of the genius woman with time and a lot of patience, and if there was a rift between the two she didn’t want to choose sides. Nonetheless, Kara was her sister, and no matter how close she and Lena had become, she would always be by her sister’s side. When Kara left she didn’t even finish her ice cream, and if Kara showing up at all wasn’t bad enough, this definitely was. Kara never, ever, left food unfinished. To her, food was something sacred that shouldn’t be left to waste, even if it was simple as an ice cream, and the fact that she barely touched the carton of rocky road (Kara’s favorite) at all was a sign that something was very, very wrong.

She tried texting Lena that day, several hours after Kara left her apartment, to see if she could provide an explanation as to why Kara showed up at her home at 4 sharp in the early morning, but Lena wouldn’t return her texts. Alex even tried calling her a few times too, but the phone sent her directly to voicemail. Even though she insisted for some time, the result was the same. It was clear Lena would not answer anytime soon. Perhaps she believed Alex would be mad at her or something of the sort, but in reality Alex was just concerned.

Then the next day at the DEO, she was met with particularly busy personnel. Apparently some bastard had put many small bombs all over National City. They weren’t that dangerous, but sure they were problematic. Finding and deactivating them was a tedious and time consuming task that took a good part of the morning, but she was thankful that not a single one of them was near enough to people to cause a disastrous accident. Whoever decided to put them had no intention of hurting anyone, merely wanting to mess around, or so it seemed. Alex tried having Supergirl find the bombs with her x-ray vision, but after an hour or so of searching it turned out that she couldn’t locate them, not all of them at least. The tiny things were made of some weird material that made them really hard to detect, she had said. 

With her hands full trying to keep everything under control at the base and being worried for Kara, Alex was getting irritated, and not only because the damned bombs didn’t have a pattern for exploding, but because she couldn’t find the time to properly speak with her sister. She had tried her best to give Kara space and not pressuring her, but still needed to know what exactly happened. Even though she promised herself she would wait until Kara was ready to talk, she was getting impatient. There was the burning question in the back of her mind; would she have a reason to punch the pearly teeth out of Lena? She didn’t want to, but if she had hurt her sister there would be no other options. She only saw Kara for brief moments, when she came into the building for updates, and she seemed normal, extremely normal and happy… which would have been great, except for the fact that Kara somehow had suddenly stopped being all depressive and gloomy, almost as if nothing had happened at all. At first Alex was convinced that whatever their problem was had been resolved and Lena’s teeth would be safe from her wrath, but when she brought it up and Kara stiffened, changing the subject and fleeing using patrolling the area as an excuse, Alex realized that they hadn’t fixed shit. Alex even considered going to L-Corp herself in search of answers, but dismissed the idea as soon as it crossed her mind. If she did, there was a chance that she would make things worse instead of better.

Alex took notice of how Kara looked more and more tired each time she landed on the DEO’s balcony, which was odd, as she was a super powered hero. Maybe it was emotional exhaustion, perhaps the thing with Lena was taking its toll on Kara’s shoulders and that’s why her sister looked exhausted. It was a possibility, and Alex didn’t know what else to do to help than handing Kara sugary treats or candy to cheer her up every time they passed each other. It seemed to work for a while, before Kara's smiles turned sad when receiving the snacks from her sister, every time softly saying "Thanks Al, i love you…" before walking away. 

Alex was worried sick, to say the least, but she had to keep focused on her job and couldn't afford to get distracted. Despite Supergirl not finding all of the exploding threats, she did help a lot diminishing their number to the point that only one or two would go off every hour, and she was still with her eye open to any hint that could tell where the others (if there were others left, that is) might be. Thanks to all that work, the agents at the DEO could finally take a break, and with that, Alex was able to grab lunch with Kara. Alex knew how much Kara had worked and let her decide where they’d eat. Of course the place she chose was the Chinese restaurant nearby, any other place was out of the question. Nothing could get between Kara and her favorite food; potstickers. As soon as the owner saw them, his face lighted up. The Danvers sisters were his #1 clients (well, mostly Kara, but Alex liked the place too) and he was more than happy to serve them. The tired women took their seats and signaled the man that they would take the usual. He knew their order by heart now.

“You look terrible.” Said Alex, she didn’t bother to sugarcoat it. She hated to see her sister like that, and being blunt was not one of her worries.

Kara, for her part, reclined back in her seat, taking a sip from the club soda one of the waiters put in the table as soon as they sat. “Yeah, but honestly, i’m fine Al.” She looked to the side as she spoke and Alex knew she was lying. She always knew when her sister wasn’t telling her the truth, the little quirks would tell her everything. She thought for a second to call her out on it, but decided to let it slide. 

"Did you sleep last night?"

"I did…" 

"I meant the whole eight hours. Did you?" Alex raised an eyebrow and took a sip from the beer the waiter had placed along with the club soda.

Kara stared at the table, as if by doing it hard enough she could summon the food. "Yeah, i slept like a baby."

Of course Alex was skeptical. She had thought about leaving the issue with Lena and her sister between them and just focusing on being there to support her sister, but if whatever happened was making Kara behave this weirdly, of course she would try to dig out the truth.

Alex waited a bit before speaking, “So, have you talked to Lena?” maybe she could get Kara to spill something by casually asking. “I called her yesterday and sometime earlier to ask her for help with some tech back at the DEO, but she didn’t answer. I was wondering if you could let her know.” Of course it was not true, not all of it at least, but Alex had to find a way to bring out the subject. Surely a white lie wouldn’t hurt.

Their orders arrived and Kara looked almost relieved to have something to distract herself with. The waiter was struggling to maneuver with the massive amount of food, but he managed to neatly arrange everything on the table.

Kara didn’t waste a second and started digging. “This is really good!” she said with her mouth full. Alex’s eyes narrowed. She knew her sister was very passionate about food, but this was obviously an attempt to avoid answering the question. Good thing this was a game for two. Alex started eating too, slowly, her eyes never leaving Kara. She knew that under the scrutiny of her piercing gaze Kara sooner or later would drop her charade.

It worked. After a few moments Kara lost the battle and lowered her chopsticks. She sighed, defeated. “I… I haven’t really had the chance to talk to her. You more than anyone should know that i’ve been busy today.” Kara thought for a second. “Why didn’t you ask Brainy to help you?”

Alex smirked internally, proud of the effectiveness of her intimidating glare. “He requested the day off, and since it wasn’t an emergency i didn’t want to bother him." Maybe her strategy was not going to work after all. Perhaps she should actually call Brainy and ask for options. "But yeah, you’re right, sorry.” She took another sip from the cold beer. Alex really wanted to help Kara, but frustrating as it was, there was nothing she could do if her sister didn’t open up to her. “You do look tired, though. Going up and down all morning probably took a lot from you. With your duty at the DEO and your work at CatCo, even for an alien, that’s too much. You need a break every now and then too, Kar.” 

Kara slightly grimaced, it was subtle but Alex noticed. “I promise i’ll rest tomorrow…” She smiled, but it looked forced. She kept eating her food, but lacking the eagerness she always had in her eyes. It was unsettling.

They kept eating for a while in silence, but not the comfortable one Alex was used to. 

“Speaking of CatCo, how is it going? Do you have your next Pulitzer winning article?” There was pride in Alex’s voice. Having her sister being nominated to a Pulitzer was one very important thing, because Kara had achieved that with her own effort. 

Kara had a tight smile adorning her face, and she seemed to suddenly find the door very interesting. “Something like that…”

“Oh, so are you in the middle of a case? All morning you’ve been distracted.”

Kara’s eyes darted to see Alex, who was popping a potsticker in her mouth. She seemed to think a bit before speaking. “I uh, yeah, it’s important, about people safety, I’ve been working on it since yesterday. But heeey, you know what?” Kara started gathering her stuff in her bag and stood up, leaving her part of the bill on the table. “I have to go and, uh… find some leads? I have to interview someone—A man! Yeah, this guy that knows something and… you want to do a sisters night tonight?”

Alex was taken aback by Kara’s sudden rambling, not because she wasn’t used to them, but because it was so unexpected and… suspicious. 

“I’d love to, sis, but I can’t. I promised Kelly we’d go out today.” Alex said, standing up herself and giving Kara a tight hug. “Rain check though?” She held her by the shoulders. Kara semblance fell for a second but tried to hide it, and Alex felt a pang of guilt in her chest. “Hey…” she cooed, “We still can always hang out tomorrow, no? Don’t be sad, if you need me i’m only a call away, okay? “

Kara smiled softly and hugged her sister. “I know, Alex. I love you, remember that, okay?” She said before quickly turning around and leaving. Alex’s sister sixth sense tingled, warning her that something was wrong, but she couldn’t decipher what. She watched Kara go through the glass window.

//

Alex was tired. The date with Kelly had gone great, and she was happy to see her happy. But she couldn’t stop worrying about Kara. It was late in the evening, and she was wondering if Kara was still awake and ready for a last hour sisters night. At this point it was more to see her, even if just for a bit, to get rid of the nagging feeling than anything. She felt bad for declining Kara’s invitation in the first place, especially since they hadn’t spend time together lately, but she had planned that date with Kelly for a few days and couldn't just cancel it.

The night was slightly cold, but being covered by her leather jacket, it was nice. Whilst walking towards her sister place Alex was pensive, something about the way Kara had spoken to her was bugging her. Normally Kara would not remind her every five seconds how much she loved her, like she'd done all day. Maybe it was just Alex’s imagination. Or wasn’t? She couldn’t get rid of the thorn and sped up the pace. 

Alex arrived at Kara's building and found herself going up the stairs. In her way up she was met with an old lady, who approached her.

"Excuse me miss, have you seen a dog around here? I accidently left the door open and my little baby ran outside." The old woman looked worried, and Alex felt pity for her.

"Uh, sorry ma’am, i haven’t seen your dog. I actually just arrived here, but I can help you find your dog if you want."

"No, no, it's fine darling. I'll find him on my own, he couldn't have gone far. Thanks anyway." The lady kept walking her way, and so did Alex, until the woman suddenly stopped and turned around, calling out to Alex.

"You're Kara's sister, right? Are you here to return your key?"

Alex was confused, and at the same time the feeling of dread crawled up her back. "What? What are you talking about?"

"The landlord replaced the lock today, sweetheart, you don’t have to return the key. It's a shame though, i really liked your sister.”

Alex didn't wait for further explanation and darted to Kara's door, only to furiously insert the key into the keyhole. She grew desperate, as the key wouldn't turn.

"Kara! Kara are you there? Open the door!"

There wasn’t any sound coming from the other side of the door, and the damn key still wasn’t turning. Alex started banging on the door, not caring anything at the moment aside of her sister being alright.

"Kara! It's Alex, open the door!"

Alex was getting scared, she felt a knot on her stomach and the feeling of dread overcame her. She took a step back and with a hard kick she brought the door down and entered the dark apartment. The first thing she noticed was that the sounds of her boots against the floor was causing way too much echo. She reached for the light switch, guiding herself by feeling the wall until she found it and turned on the lights.. 

It was empty…

The whole apartment was empty.

Alex couldn’t believe her eyes. There was no trace of Kara, and no trace her furniture at all. 

It couldn't be right, it must be some sort of illusion or something of the sort. There was nothing there!

Alex searched everywere but found nothing.

"Excuse me miss, you shouldn’t be here." Said a voice behind her, sounding irritated. It was a middle aged man, whose face had a permament frown on it. He was looking directly at her, then his gaze swept the whole space for anything wrong until his eyes spotted the door laying on the floor. "What the—" he didn’t finish the sentence as Alex grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, lifting him a few inches off the ground. 

“What happened here? Where is my sister?!”

The man was scared enough for the color to leave his face. He couldn't do more than stutter the answer.

“Miss— Miss Danvers cancelled he— her contract." He closed his eyes, silently regretting his life choices. "This place has be— been empty since this morning… please don't hurt me!"

Alex let the man go, quickly pulling out her phone and dialing the first number on the list.

"Please answer this time…"

On the other side of the city, a phone ringed a few times, before a pale hand grabbed it and pressed the answer button without even looking who the caller was.

“Hello…?” the voice sounded so fragile.

“Lena? Thank god! I— i don’t know what to do! I came to her apartment and there's nothing here! She's gone!” Alex was struggling to keep her cool while she waited for an answer. "Lena? Wha—"

Alex's voice sounded distant to Lena, and she didn’t need to hear a name to know who Alex was talking about. The agent was oblivious to what Lena's trembling hand was holding.

 _A letter_.

“Alex…I know what happened to Kara…”

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is yay!  
> I don't know if you struggle with the timeline in the story, so to clarify, this is the second day after the Lena confronting Kara night.
> 
> Also, none of this story is beta read, so if there are any mistakes let me know plz


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy :)
> 
> Oh and i forgot to put a warning before, but this chapter has a light mention of a suicide note, it's just a line but still, careful if it triggers any of you. Stay safe ily :')

Lena carelessly tossed her phone on the counter after hanging up. Alex was on her way.

She grasped the letter between her trembling fingers, the strength in her grip slightly wrinkling the paper. Lena had just finished reading it when Alex called, and now she was just staring at the familiar handwriting, with her brain still processing the meaning of the carefully written words. She felt empty and incomplete, as if by reading it something had been snatched from her. The realization that what the letter had expressed across the white space had been everything she had yearned to hear was heartbreaking. Those were the words she had always wished for Kara to tell her, but with the tint of desperation, a last plea. In a different circumstance Lena would be jumping from happiness and delight, but now, in the solitude of her empty penthouse, she felt as if her very soul was being ripped piece by piece. 

Her eyes stung; staring for so long without blinking… her eyes should be getting dry. Or so she thought, before her vision blurred and drops of tears marred the ink on the paper. 

It had been a busy day for her; between members of the board being jerks and supervising the progress on her projects, she was exhausted. Lena had arrived home late. She didn’t want to go to her penthouse, but she had spent the night at the office and was in need of a proper rest. With time, Kara had taken some of her stuff to Lena’s place, given that she used to stay there for sleepovers very often. Lena used to love having a part of Kara and her influence show in the place, as it gave a homely feeling, but now she resented the idea of going home at all because every little thing, such as the blanket she kept in the couch, the soft pajamas in her closet or the pair of matching mugs on the counter, reminded her of Kara and by consequence, the lies and betrayal.

Lena had tiredly open the door, sleep being the only thing in her mind, but upon entering her penthouse she was met with a folded paper resting on top of the kitchen counter with a single word visible on it.

_Lena…_

She inhaled sharply. Lena knew who had placed it there even before she grabbed it. The whole building was protected by the best of agents and the most effective security system money could buy (with a few modifications of her own, of course), and she hadn’t received any notification of a breach. That left only one person capable of entering her home like that, most likely through the balcony, Kar— _Supergirl._ Lena had checked the balcony door in search of any damage and found that, in fact, the door had been forced. The wielded metal part locking the glass door in place had been ripped easily as if it was play-doh, probably by super strength. Lena scoffed; she would send Kara an order to pay for the damage. Maybe she’d venture to sue Supergirl for the breach too. And of course she’d have to find out how she managed to not trigger the alarms. 

Lena’s eyes landed on the letter again. The first instinct that kicked was to throw it away and keep pretending she didn’t care about that woman like she’d done the past days, pretending not to miss her best friend, the owner of her heart… but then she thought better of it and reached for the folded paper. After all, if Supergirl had gone through the trouble of breaking in, then it had to be important.

Nothing could have prepared her for it.

She took her time reading it, and every line made her heart clench, the turmoil of emotions inside her made it difficult to breath. She didn’t know what to think. Lena hadn’t expected any of this to actually happen. She had believed that the hurtful words she said in a fit of anger would only keep Kara at arm’s length, not… not this! But then again, the universe loved proving her wrong.

Alex said she’d be there in fifteen before Lena hung up, so that left her some time. Lena lowered the letter and walked to the cupboards, ready to pull out a bottle. She thought of Kara and how she despised seeing her bury her problems in alcohol. Lena sighed; she closed the cupboard and decided it was best to not drink that night. If it wasn’t for her health, at least she would do it for Kara. Upon reading the letter, all the hatred she felt, all the bad emotions she felt towards Kara had vanished just like she did, because Lena had finally opened her eyes. She finally understood. Lena took a deep breath, releasing it with a wet self-deprecating laugh. 

She had messed up _good._

Taking the letter with her, she slumped on the couch. A box of tissues was on the coffee table in front of her, and a part of her wanted to reach out for one and wipe the smeared makeup, but she couldn’t find the strength to move. She roughly wiped the tears with the back of her hand.

“I’m sorry…” she whispered to the air. She hoped that the words would somehow reach Kara.

Lena covered her face with her hands, her soft sniffs were the only sound in the room. She didn’t have the right to cry, she was the reason all this was happening in the first place. Having her heart breaking a second time is the least she deserved, right? She closed her eyes for a while, tying to keep her sobs in control. The weight of regret was heavy on her heart. 

She didn’t know how much time had passed, could be second or hours, before her phone ringed again, she knew it was Alex. The device was still in the same place she had tossed it, on the counter. Lena really couldn’t bring herself to stand up and reach for it, and in that moment she felt glad to be a tech genius.

“Hope, please connect the call, put it on speaker.” She said to the room. The AI was quick to respond and do as it was asked. Lena was proud of herself for having the brilliant idea of installing Hope in the penthouse. 

“Lena? I’m here, but your guards won't let me through, can you tell them to let me in?”

“Yeah,” Lena’s voice was hoarse, if it was for the crying or her bottled emotions she couldn’t tell. She cleared her throat before continuing, “give me a second.” The call was ended and Lena told Hope to notify the guards to grant Alex access to the building.

//

Alex had run all the way to Lena’s building and hadn’t stopped for anything, not even to catch her breath. Good thing she was a trained agent and her endurance was one to be admired. The guards at the entrance stopped her in her tracks, making her call Lena to allow her entrance. While waiting for Lena’s security team to let her in, she tried calling Kara, only for the voice on the other side of the line to tell her that the number had been deactivated. 

“What the—” She dialed the number again only for the same default voice answering. 

One of the guards, a buff guy with a beard, told her they had to check for weapons and do other security protocols. Alex was getting exasperated and was this far of punching her way in. The entire situation was putting her on edge and she needed answers. Was her little sister okay? Where was she and why the hell was she gone all of a sudden? She arrived at the door, but didn’t wait for an invitation, barging into the place. Luckily the door was unlocked, otherwise she would have kicked it down like the one in Kara's apartment.

“Lena!” She found the woman on the couch, staring at nothing in particular. She looked bad, almost as if her very soul had abandoned her body. Alex ran to her, kneeling by her side. “What happened?” She was trying to be gentle, but couldn’t hide the demand in her voice. "Where's Kara?"

Lena got out of her trance and looked Alex directly into her eyes. She spoke softly, so low that Alex almost didn’t catch it. “I know, Alex… about Kara’s—” She took a deep breath and struggled to not break down into sobbing. “I know who she is.” she finally said.

Alex knew exactly what she was referring to, and couldn’t hide a grimace. “Oh…”

“She’s gone because of me… It’s all my fault Alex, i’m so sorry!” Tears were now rolling down her cheeks freely, her efforts to wipe them away with her hands were useless. In that moment Lena Luthor looked so vulnerable, Alex couldn’t just stare and do nothing.

“Hey… Hey… it’s okay, i’m here.” She carefully wrapped her arms around Lena, slowly rocking her side to side, trying to offer some comfort. She had done the exact same thing for Kara many, many times. Without completely letting go, Alex reached for the box of tissues and handed it to Lena. She noticed a sheet of paper resting on the table but paid it no mind, her main concern was the woman crying in her arms. Of course she was worried about Kara’s whereabouts, but Lena was in no shape to talk, so the first thing in the list was to help her calm down. Alex felt bad for Lena, seeing a woman such as her cry like this, lose her cool like this… it was concerning. Alex held her, whispering soothing words until the sobbing stopped. 

Lena broke the hug, ashamed that Alex had to pacify her. She hadn't allowed anyone to hold her besides Kara; having Alex do it with such care and without hesitation, somehow made her feel worse, because she knew Alex was a tough person who wouldn't do that for just anyone. Knowing that Alex cared for her hurt Lena, because she knew that she was about to lose that... She sniffed, without any words she reached for the letter and handed it to Alex, but she couldn’t meet her eyes, the guilt was just too much. She mentally prepared herself for the storm that was about to unleash.

Alex took the paper, concerned, and immediately recognized her sister’s handwriting. She looked at Lena, expecting an explanation, but she only recieved silence. Hesitation formed inside her, did she really wanted to read it? The feeling of dread making her stomach squirm, what if it was one of _those_ letters? She braced herself for the worst and began reading. Her eyes opened wider the further she went through the text. 

It read:

_I know that you don’t want to know about me anymore and i’m sorry to bother you again, but this will be the last time, i swear. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what you said, and i realized that you were right, as always. I only harm those around me, and i am deeply sorry that they had the bad luck to have ever encountered me. That includes you._

_I went to your office at L-Corp,_ ~~_i wanted to_~~ _it doesn’t matter why. I hoped that i could avoid you being there, but i guess luck wasn’t on my side; i saw you crying by the balcony door. I know it was because of me. I’m sorry. Seeing you cry, Lena, it made me realize just how much i had hurt you and gave me the final push i needed._

_I want you to know that i’m leaving and won’t be coming back, ever. This is the best for everyone. I don’t have the guts to tell Alex, and i am in no right to ask anything from you, but i do beg you to tell her that, wherever i am, i'll be safe. I don’t want her to worry too much. I’m sure she will try to find me, but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter what she do, you won’t see me again._

_By the time you read this I’ll be gone already, but i want you to know everything._

_There’s a reason why i lied, why i hid who i was from you._

_After all i did to you this is the least you want to hear, but Lena… I love you, in a way i’ve never loved anyone before, so much it hurts. I wanted nothing more than to protect you, but it is also true that i did it for myself. I was selfish and i can't deny it. You were the first person ever to see me only as Kara. Not Supergirl, not Zor-el, not Danvers. Just Kara, and it seemed like i was enough to you. I loved that. I was happy to be enough to someone, without being the ‘girl of steel’. I was thrilled that you, out of all people, liked me for being just me. You were so kind and beautiful… it wasn’t surprising of me, to fall in love with you, i mean, who wouldn’t? I know you don’t feel the same way, it's okay, and it’s foolish of me to even entertain the idea of you ever liking me like that. I wanted to be a part of your life in any capacity i could, and if it was only as a friend… well, i was happy with it. I wanted to tell you about my secret, but i was afraid you’d push me away. I was scared that you'd stop seeing me as… well, me. So i kept pretending. And now you hate me for it. In the end i did lose you._

_And you being a Luthor… don't get me wrong, i know you’re much more than that, i meant you have your own problems and have many attempts on your life because of it. Certainly you could do great without the new threats that follow anyone who knows of my identity. Every day i put my friends and family in danger. It’d only take a second of distraction, someone who puts two and two together, and one of my loved ones could be targeted to get to me. I didn’t want you to suffer that destiny too. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you… Lena you_ _mean_ _are the world to me. You were the love of my life, the one and only, i’m sure of it now._

_Maybe if we had never met things would be different? Now i wish that we never crossed paths._

_I did not write this expecting forgiveness from you, neither i expect it to justify my actions, but i did want to get everything out of my chest before leaving._

_I love you Lena, and most certainly always will. No matter how hard i try to forget you, you will always be in my heart._

_As a last favor, please burn this letter and keep going as if i never wrote it. If possible, forget i ever existed._

_Again, i am so sorry. For everything. I hope you have a great life._

_—Kara._

Alex stood up and let out a shaky breath. Still with the letter on her hand, she looked at Lena.

“Lena…” Her voice was cold. “What the fuck did you said to Kara?"

There it was, what Lena was afraid of. The protective Danvers who would fight whoever dared to hurt her sister. Lena still wouldn't meet her eyes. Alex probably wouldn't see her as a friend anymore, not after learning the truth, right? Better brace herself.

"Le—"

"I told her that…" Lena started, interrupting Alex. She struggled to get the words out. "I told her that she was a mistake. That she had played with me and fooled me." Her eyes were fixed on the floor while she spoke. "I told her… that she was dead to me." Somehow she managed to face Alex, looking into her eyes only for a moment before her eyes went down again. Lillian would be so disappointed if she ever knew her daughter had lowered her gaze. "I told her that she should just disappear…" 

Alex reacted quickly. She grabbed Lena by the collar of her expensive shirt, not caring it was designer brand. "How dare you!?" she yelled. Alex was seething, she wanted nothing more to let her anger out on Lena, but she knew Kara would never forgive her if she dared to lay a finger on her.

“I was hurt!” Lena yelled back, “I discovered that you were all lying to my face, what the fuck did you expected me to do? Just laugh and pretend everything was okay? I don’t think so!” Lena shut her eyes, expecting a fist connecting with her face at any second. Instead she felt Alex roughly letting her go.

“I can’t believe it… How could you be so cruel?”

“I know what i said was wrong, but i didn’t expect her to actually leave!” Lena didn’t even bother to fix her shirt.

“You’ve known her for three years! You should’ve known that she would do anything to please you, damnit!” Alex ran a hand through her hair in frustration. Her eyes landed on Kara’s letter. “And now we know why. “ She picked up the paper from the ground where it had fallen and tossed it to Lena with anger. “She loved you. She did everything for you and you crushed her heart…”

The letter fell to the ground yet again. Lena stood up in anger. “You think i’m happy? That i wanted this to happen? Well i have news for you Alex, i love her too! That’s why i felt so hurt, that’s’ why i told her all those awful things! You think i don’t regret it?”

Alex was taken aback, she wasn't expecting that reaction, much less that confession. She was speechless. Part of her wanted to argue, but deep inside she knew the pain Lena was going through. She was conflicted, she wanted to hate Lena for hurting her sister, for ending up sending Kara away, but also Alex couldn't bring herself to do it. Alex looked aside, unable to come up with a remark. She stayed silent, not wanting to put blames in the air, but she wouldn't apologize either.

"I just— i wish i could take back everything i said…" Lena sounded so defeated… she pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache coming.

"I uh… i guess that explains why her number doesn't work anymore…" Said Alex, trying to subtly change the subject.

Lena's eyes snapped to Alex. "Oh…" was all she said.

//

After so much emotional exhaustion, Alex and Lena were both sitting at the couch, bonding over feeling awful you could say. Despite deciding earlier that she wouldn’t drink, Lena knew they couldn't go through the night being sober, and so she pulled out the bottle out of the cupboard. Alex silently thanked her.

If she had known that the impact her words, blinded by rage and hurt, would have brought this in the future… well, at the moment it would have been great, but now it was…

Lena sighed, regretting every choice in her life.

If the consequences of her own acts were whispered to her back then... she would certainly have just brushed them off. She knew she would have been stubborn even if the warnings came with anticipation, because that was just the way she was. And the price she had to pay, the debt for all of her sins, had finally reached her. Was she really a bad person? She felt like she deserved everything that happened to her. Funny how Kara would be the first one to tell her otherwise. But that’s the thing; Kara wasn’t there, not anymore, and it was all her fault. Kara had left that letter to let her know that she would abide Lena's wishes and vanish her existence from the world. 

Lena felt like an idiot.

“Fuck…" Alex said.

“What now?" Lena passed her the bottle after taking a swing from it.

“It just dawned on me that she's really gone…" Alex swallowed; her eyes were bright with unshed tears."I mean, i know she’s not dead but…” she shakily sighed. “You know, i suspected that something was going on when Kara told me how much she loved me at every chance she had. She asked me to do a sister's night out of nowhere and i… i went out with Kelly instead!" She sat up straight, looking at Lena. "But how the hell was i supposed to know that she planned to leave, huh?!" Lena took the bottle from Alex as she stood and started pacing. "You should have seen her eyes, Lena… she was so sad and i still told her i couldn't hang out with her. She was acting all weird, i should have known! I’m her sister, for fuck's sake!"

Lena stood up and firmly grabbed Alex by the shoulders, forcing her to stop in her tracks. “Listen to me, and listen closely.” She said while looking directly into Alex’s eyes, wanting the message to be clear. “It’s not your fault, Alex. There is no way you could have known, okay?”

That was it. Alex bursted out sobbing. All of her emotions, those that have been bottled for so long, had finally found a way out. The tough woman had finally reached the point of breaking down, but luckily for her, Lena was there to help pick up the pieces.

//

Tears had calmed down after a few hours. Both of them were sitting on the couch once again, trying to find a solution. Both of them were exhausted, but what else would you expect?

“Why didn't you tell me? Why did you all had to keep it from me?" Lena whispered, there was so much hurt in her voice. She sounded so defeated.

“It wasn't our secret to tell. But you have to know that Kara did wanted to tell you many, many times, she just… you know she had her reasons." Alex said with a hand on Lena's shoulder, in an attempt to reassure her.

“Things would be different if—" Lena’s words died in her mouth. She sighed. "I guess… there's nothing we can do about that anymore. Do you have any idea where Kara could've gone?"

“Not really. With those superpowers she could be at the tip of Mount Everest for all we know." Alex pulled out her phone and walked to the corner of the room. "But damn right i’ll try to find her. I'll call the others. Try and see if you can track her somehow."

Without any other words Lena went to retrieve her laptop from the home office and started searching in her files, looking for what exactly? She didn't know, but it was better than doing nothing at all.

What a day huh?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. 
> 
> If i throw it back is it sad enough?
> 
> It might be kinda rushed, sorry about that. And please, let me know if you find any mistakes.
> 
> Have a great day :D


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang, has it really been a month? 
> 
> Thanks to Jem4ever for one of Lena's line and the idea of Ireland. Thnk u ily 
> 
> Shoutout to ShezNek and Human_141213 you guys gave me really interesting ideas and your support means a lot, ur the best ily sm and i would definitely fistfight a rhino for you
> 
> Also UtterlyBabbling whose last comment is the light of my day. You encourage me to keep writing, Ily, ur awesome rlly
> 
> Love u all, stay safe, kick the pandemic in the ass

Days passed by painfully slow and colorless since Kara’s disappearance.

Everyone had gone through sky, earth and sea in search of the Kryptonian, but all in vain as no one had been lucky finding trace of her. Not even a single clue of her whereabouts had been found and it was frustrating. 

It wasn’t easy for anyone. Kara being gone was as if the sun itself had stopped pouring its light on their lives. Everything seemed so dark, dull. Lifeless. Her absence left a cold and empty space in their hearts as there were more welcoming hugs, no more bright smiles, no more warmth that could fill the hole.

Lena would lie in her bed at night staring at the ceiling with her mind drowning in a whirlpool of _what ifs,_ unable to close her eyes because sleep was adamant in avoiding her. What she had done assaulted her in form of terrible nightmares every time she dared to try and sleep. Lena knew she had no right, but she yearned to have Kara’s warm arms holding her, protecting her, like in many of their sleepovers, but in the coldness and emptiness of her bed the silk sheets were the only ones offering their embrace. Within a few days restless nights were her new normal, and at work coffee was her best ally. 

The lack of sleep and proper care had taken a toll on the CEO. Every day since finding the letter on the countertop Lena had used all of her time and resources to locate Kara. She spent millions in the latest tracking technology, enough to cause a small hit on her bank account, but she didn’t care about the money at all, in fact she didn’t care about a lot of things anymore. Even with all her efforts Kara was nowhere to be found, and with her, Lena’s happiness was lost too.

It was during an especially cold night when Lena found herself leaning against the concrete rail of her penthouse balcony. Her cheeks and nose were pink due to the almost freezing breeze, but despite that she was enjoying the clear view of the night sky with those beautiful stars. The faint sounds from the city below were calming and had a somewhat soothing effect on her. Even though it was pointless Lena waited for a dash of red and blue to pass by at any moment, it was a blind faith and she knew it, but she still waited. 

Sure enough, no dashes of primary colors showed at all, but Lena did catch sight of a shooting star. Kara had told her about how she should close her eyes and make a wish with all her heart whenever she saw one. Of course Lena wasn’t one to believe in childish stories like a space rock granting wishes since she was a woman of science, but the way Kara had looked at her with expectation and wonder in her eyes that night years ago had been enough for her to start believing.

Lena remembered the night when she and Kara shared a blanket in a clearing at the outskirts of the city watching Lena’s first live meteor shower. It had been magical, but not because of the falling stars (Lena had seen many of those throughout her life and none of them had felt special at all), but because of the way she and Kara laid side by side whispering secrets while Kara softly held her hand, looking at her like she was the reason the sun raised every day, and the way the light of the passing stars reflected in Kara’s face illuminating every single one of her delicate features almost ethereally.

In the balcony, Lena closed her eyes and fondly smiled at the memory of how excited and happy Kara had entered her office to invite her to see the stars with her. Lena had been busy but couldn’t bring herself to say no when Kara asked her with those puppy eyes of hers, and after the show ended she was happy she accepted the offer as Kara’s sweet, bright, beautiful smile made her heart beat faster.

A strong, cold wind made Lena’s hair flow freely out of her poorly made braid. With her eyes shut she took a deep breath and her grip on the railing tightened as she finally dared to make a wish.

_‘Please bring Kara back…’_

A single tear rolled down her cheek, feeling uncomfortably hot compared to the cold air. There wasn’t any sign that her plea had been heard but Lena still hoped, pouring all her soul into the sentiment. It wasn’t only one wish that she had, but many others that if given the chance she would try her best to make them come true. Deep inside she wished to be able to cup Kara’s face and tenderly kiss her lips. She wished with all her being to have another opportunity to tell and show the Kryptonian just how much she loved her. But first thing in Lena’s list was to apologize to Kara for everything if the universe granted her another chance to see her.

Lena glanced back over her shoulder to the coffee table, where a single wrinkled sheet of paper rested. She had developed an aversion to the letter and just looking at it made her stomach churn, reminding her of everything she lost and everything she could’ve have if she hadn’t been so stubborn. She still had trouble getting the words ‘ _I love you’_ through her skull. It just seemed impossible, and yet the proof was there on the table in the form of a white paper marred with tears.

_Kara loved her back._

Sweet, kind, sunny Kara loved her back.

Lena never imagined that she could have any chance with someone such as Kara, settling for only her friendship. It being more than enough for her as she believed nothing else could bloom. Knowing that her feelings were actually reciprocated was exhilarating, but that happiness didn’t last and it became instead a weight on her heart. Lena knew that the chance for a happy life had slipped through her fingers just like a handful of sand would, and the mere thought made her feel like an idiot. How in the world had she managed to waste an opportunity like that one? If only she’d been brave enough to take the first step and confess her love. If only she hadn’t reacted the way she did… But she was hurt! That’s why she said all those hurtful things! She was too blinded by rage and betrayal to think clearly… And now she saw everything clear as water.

Lena had realized a bit too late that no matter what Kara did she would always forgive her, because she loved her. Lena was truly and madly in love with a Kara Danvers, and if she was honest with herself, she knew it in her heart since the moment she saw the blonde inhale an entire plate of potstickers at the Gala. 

A soft knock on the door brought Lena back from her thoughts, it wasn’t hard to miss since the room was in complete silence. Lena had since given Alex a key and complete access to the building so that she had no trouble with the guards, and patiently waited for the agent to come through the door.

Alex made her way in carrying several folders under her arm, the bags under her eyes made it clear that she was just as tired as Lena. They had been working together all week trying to find Kara, and though nothing had worked so far, both women found refuge in their company. Maybe it was easier for them to bear the pain knowing they were not alone.

Alex sat on one of the stools in the kitchen isle and Lena followed leaving the balcony door open behind her, as if she were expecting the other Danvers to arrive at any moment. The agent took notice of this but didn’t comment, she hoped the same even though she wouldn’t voice it.

Soon, reports of possible sightings, people declarations, and lists of potential places to investigate were scattered on the counter. Both women were looking through the papers with tired eyes while slowly draining big mugs of really strong coffee. Time passed without any of them noticing and it was late by the time they finished dissecting the information of the endless paragraphs. Turned out that most of the leads they had recollected throughout the week were useless in the end, and the frustration in the room was heavy.

While preparing another load of coffee Lena’s eyes landed on a decorative mirror close enough for her to clearly see her eyes. Emerald green was a beautiful color for sure. Lena liked her eyes, it was one of the few things she shared with her biological mother. She was really young when she was snatched by the Luthors and didn’t remember a lot of stuff from her childhood happy days, but she did remember her mother telling her that she would always carry a piece of her in those eyes. It was a comforting thought, that she once had a loving mother who genuinely cared for her, even if now the face was blurry in Lena’s mind. Lena wondered for a moment how would her life be like if her mom were still alive. Maybe she could have been a happy child running in the streets of the old place she once called home without a care in the world, or she could’ve had holidays worth rememb— wait…

That was it!

Lena’s eyes went wide in sudden realization. She remembered telling Kara once about her past before changing her last name, or at least what she could recall from those days.

“Ireland!” Lena turned so fast as soon as she connected the dots that Alex threw the stack of thick folders she was organizing in surprise, sending the papers flying all over the floor.

“Wha—!” Alex barely had time to properly react, her hand midway to grab the gun on her thigh, before Lena quickly crossed the space between them and grabbed her by the shoulders with a death grip.

“We have to look for her there!” There was urgency in Lena’s voice.

“Whoa, easy there. What are you talking about?” Alex gently removed Lena’s hands off her shoulders.

“Ireland! We have to look there. Comb the place, search under every rock. We must!”

Alex sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I get that you’re desperate, Lena. I am too, but why there? Of all places in earth why would Kara be there?”

“She just has to be there!” Lena knew she was making no sense, but how to explain Alex what it meant to her, to them? She had shared a part of herself with Kara, something so close to her chest that pretty much no one but two people knew about. Lena didn’t feel ready to tell Alex, and probably never would be, but she needed her to understand. Lena settled for telling her no more than necessary. “I mentioned it once years ago, and it’s a long shot, but what if she’s there?” Lena looked at Alex with nervous expectation.

Alex returned the gaze, searching herself for something in Lena’s eyes before sighing again. “I guess we _are_ out of leads, so we might as well try. I’ll text the others to let them know.” said Alex with a small smile, in fact the first one in days, before pulling her phone out and looking through the contacts. “Let me see if there’s any plane available in the DEO…”

“No need.” Lena let out a sigh of relief. “We’re taking my private jet there. I’ll arrange the flight for tomorrow at six in the morning.” Lena started picking up the papers on the floor. “You go home and sleep, i’ll need you well rested.”

Alex wasn’t a very affectionate person, but she couldn’t help it to hug Lena. Whether it was to comfort or thank Lena, she didn’t know, but she felt the need to do it before rushing out of the room with a quick _i’ll text you later_.

Lena froze in place, not knowing how to act, until Alex was not longer in her sight. 

//

The early morning was cold. Light rain wet their coats, but nothing could damp the mood as both women entered the plane and took their respective seats. Sure, they were nervous but at least they had renewed hopes.

The flight wasn’t fast enough for Lena. Lillian would no doubt lecture her for showing _signs of impatience improper of a lady_ such as bouncing her leg, but Lena didn’t care about propriety at the moment, she was in fact impatient and nothing would change that besides seeing Kara face to face once again. Alex was asleep on her seat, with the exhaustion of a stressful week finally catching up to her, and her soft snores were the only sound in the cabin besides the plane turbines that kept Lena distracted from her negative thoughts.

Lena looked through the window and watched how the sunlight beams began slowly illuminating the fluffy clouds and wondered if Kara got to see breathtaking sunrises like that one flying over National City saving the day.

Kara…

The day Lena told Kara over lunch about her childhood in Ireland was still fresh on her mind. Kara had been really upset that day, Lena remembered, which was a rare thing to happen as the woman’s happy mood wasn’t easily affected. Kara’s gloomy expression was a strange sight that made Lena’s insides feel uneasy, and it took her the good part of their lunch time for Kara to open up to her about what was on her mind. With comforting words and a lot of patience, Lena cooed the blonde into telling what was bothering her, and after a while Lena finally discovered that the reason for Kara’s sadness was something that Lena knew pretty well but didn’t know that her friend had gone through the same; the loss of a family. 

For Lena, her life before the Luthors was a part of her she needed to keep heavily guarded. But after hearing Kara’s voice cracking while telling the story of how she had lost her parents in a fire Lena felt the need to comfort her, feeling bold enough to expose an unhealed wound. It turned for the best, as she felt a weight being lifted off her shoulders after keeping it hidden in the depths of her mind for so long, and Kara also felt better knowing that Lena understood the hollow feeling in her heart. They bonded over the shared experiences, them becoming something that pulled the women closer, and needless to say, their lunch that day had extended a few extra hours. 

Now that Lena thought of it, Kara’s story about her parents dying in a fire was probably not accurate, at least not the part of the fire. Lena knew about the death of Krypton and connecting the dots she presumed that Kara’s parents actually died with the planet, but she couldn’t really blame Kara for changing the details. It didn’t change the fact that Kara had lost so much, and now Lena could understand why she had been so sensitive about her secret identity. In the letter Kara left her she said something about how she put the people she loved who knew about it in danger. It was clear to Lena that Kara was afraid to lose somebody again.

//

The pair finally arrived to their destination after a long flight. Lena couldn't remember the last time she had set foot there and it was strange for her to return to her birthplace after all those years. The happy memories felt so far away when Lena took in her surroundings.

Lena had mixed emotions as she walked alongside Alex in a crowded street in search of the hotel where they would meet with the others. On one hand, it was great to be back to her roots and enjoy once again the fresh air and familiar scents, but on the other there was still the dread in her stomach that they wouldn't find Kara there. 

The familiar buildings were a sight for sore eyes, but Lena didn’t have the chance to properly appreciate them before a child (that apparently appeared out of nowhere) bumped into her leg, falling onto his butt and dropping his ice cream cone with the impact. Lena worried for a second that the boy was hurt, but the kid instead apologized to her. A woman came running towards them calling for the kid and tenderly helped him up, also apologizing for the trouble and walking away with the boy. The woman was blonde with beautiful blue eyes and dimples adorning a big smile. Lena’s breath hitched at the sight of her. The resemblance with Kara was undeniable, and Lena wondered for a split second what it would be like to raise a family with Kara. She wondered how they could be woken up by a little child jumping in their shared bed demanding cuddles and hugs with a pout on their face because _"You're huggin' mama. I want hugs too_!", and of course them obliging to their child's wishes because they'd be good moms…

“Lena, are you okay?” Alex worried voice pulled Lena back from her thoughts. Apparently Alex had told her something else but Lena didn’t respond.

“…yes. I’m fine, let’s keep moving.” Said Lena as her jaw clenched and the grip on the strap of her purse tightened. The image of her and Kara in an impossible scenario leaving a bittersweet taste in her mouth.

Alex gave her a wary look but still nodded and began walking again. Of course Alex had noticed the resemblance too, and she would be lying if she said she didn’t believe for a second that the stranger woman was her Kara.

They kept walking for a while until the building they were looking for came into view, and just like they expected, the others were already waiting for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work has been really oof lately, but its fine. I honestly forgot i was writing a fic, i didn't expect people to actually like it but your comments really give me life
> 
> Also, i honestly was really sleepy when i posted this, so if you spot a mistake plz let me know

**Author's Note:**

> Just to be clear, this is set before s5 kinda, i have a shitty memory so please imagine everything makes sense.  
> Also this is short but i wrote it at 4am, i needed sleep and now inspiration just won't come


End file.
